06/08/18….The Day Before Going On Holiday Thoughts and All Sorts || thebreakofdawn

I LOVEE travelling, you guys know that already from this post, but the day before going somewhere (and the day itself) I’m plagued with anxiety. Annoying, panicky anxiety that kinda stems from nowhere. Here’s some of the key things that my mind chooses to agonise over:

• “What if we miss the train?”
• “What if something bad happens while we’re on the train?”
• “What if my pain flares up while travelling?” (this worry is the only one that has some evidence behind it, and the one I agonise over the most. to be honest all my worries that are pain related are the ones that stress me out the most.)
• “What if we get there and something bad happens?”
• “What if the people we’re staying with don’t want us there anymore?” (this one is the silliest – they invited us! But still, I’m worrying about it.)
• “What if I don’t feel comfortable in their home?” (i’ve stayed there before, it’s just been a few years. I’m usually okay there, but I would have much preferred to stay in a hotel or something. I value my own space SO much, I’m worried a whole week being around people I’m not usually around for that long would make me anxious and uncomfortable 😦 )
• “What if my pain flares up?” (overall, during the week we’re there, I’m so scared my pain will kick off when we are out or when we have plans. I can’t just do what I do at home, alert my mum and we change up the plan. I’ll have to shut up and suffer, make it worse, and I may be MIA for a day or longer. I hate when this happens when I’m not at home, I feel like a burden and it’s so much harder to deal with. I’m PRAYING this doesn’t happen – you have no idea.) 
• “What if my Mum ends up spending too much/we don’t have the money/this holiday will leave us even more broke?” (this is a biggie. A recent worry I’ve only become aware of recently, but I’ve started writing a post about that and I might post it, so I won’t explain it now. But to sum it up, we’re pretty broke and London is expensive. We’re saving LOADS staying at a family friend’s, but we’ll be going out, eating out….I don’t want my Mum to stress and I don’t want her feel any pressure to spend what we don’t have. I’m going to try and help her however I can, maybe just order a starter if the place we’re eating at is too expensive, or share some food with her….anything.)

So, that’s what I’m worrying about. Some will be squashed on the day, some will probably remain with me for some or even all of the holiday. The plan for today is to relax, finish packing, get everything charged and in order, and make myself as happy and chilled as possible for tomorrow. 

It’ll be okay. 

I need to bring my excitement out again! Because after all, I am really excited. We’re going to London, the city where I began life on this Earth 🙂 

We did have a rough time in London, life only got easier when we moved to Birmingham (more on this in that post I may or may not post) but there was some lovely memories there. Being there makes me happy, and gives me a relief from my actual life in Birmingham. Plus, we used to go every year but it’s been around three years since we’ve been, so this visit is LONG overdue! I’m buzzing to visit all our favourite places from when we used to live there, most of my best memories lie in there!

Oh, and I’ll be seeing our family friend and her son, after three years! She’s basically an auntie to me, we used to be at hers so often when we lived in London. She’s my Mum’s best friend, they’re amazing together and I love watching them interact. They’re like two sisters, constantly bickering about who’s paying at restaurants, silly things like who’s cooking dinner or “why did you clean up? You’re on holiday silly I was going to do that!” Ahh I love them.

This is what I’ve got to stick to today, thinking of the positives, thinking of the joy I felt when we spontaneously booked the train tickets two weeks ago. Note to self: YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY. 

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Man that felt good to get out. 

It’s actually helped more than I thought. 🙂

I hope you enjoyed reading my ramblings ‘about the day before’ panic. Hopefully I’m not too much of a mess tomorrow morning! But even if I am, hopefully it won’t top that one time I threw up the morning of the day we we’re travelling to Hastings – simply because of nerves and anxiety. An hour later I was fine! Sitting on the train laughing with my Mum.

….anxiety eh?

Have you been on holiday this summer yet? If so, where did you go? And if you haven’t been yet, where are you going?

And, the most important question, do you get anxious and stressed the day before or the day of travelling to go somewhere? If so, how do you handle it? 

Thank you once again for reading, I’ll see you when I see you 🙂 

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My Battle Plan to Improve My Body Confidence, Self Love and All That Sits In Between… || thebreakofdawn

It’s absolutely lovely today. 

It’s cloudy and windy outside, gloomy yet bright, and the ground is wet from rain. All the dead grass are most definitely being rejuvenated after the downpour of rain overnight and this morning, and cups of tea are being drank around the nation without suffering.

I’m living my BEST life in this weather guys. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heat and the sunshine but it’s just been going on for so long. Rain and cold and wind was long overdue – and yes this’ll all be over by next week, but I’m gonna appreciate it and enjoy it while it lasts 🙂 

How’s the weather where you’re at? 

Ok – enough about the weather, that’s not the focus of today’s post! Today I’m going to be talking all about the topic of self love. Body confidence. How those two are in my life, and how I’m hoping to work on them. Hopefully this’ll be relatable, and help you a little.

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I don’t have much self love within myself. It sucks, not ideal at all. There’s never been a day where I’ve fully, 100% loved and appreciated myself. I find flaws everywhere, I latch onto them and lock them into my mind….before I know it I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s so much I hate about myself it’s insane, but it’s also painful. I’m torturing myself, essentially bullying myself, and it really brings me down – some days way more than others. 

Body confidence…..better than my self love and how I view myself, but still not ideal. I still have those thoughts of how can I improve my body. How can I make myself not look like the awkward tall girl in pictures. How can I make someone genuinely say I look pretty apart from my Mum and friends, who are probably just trying to make me feel better. 

One day this year (forget when, but it was around May I think…?) I had enough. I spent a whole day in bed hiding, feeling sorry for myself and crying about how much I wished I wasn’t me. I was done with it, I hated that I feel so bad about myself that I wasted a day wallowing about it. So, I decided to take action. 

I made a little plan, a plan to (hopefully) build my self confidence, body confidence, and my ability to love myself for who I am and for how I look. Here’s the ideas I came to in my head: 

1. Take a few selfies whenever I’m going somewhere. Whether it’s school, town, or the doctors – just take a few pics before you leave the house!
2. Branch out with clothing. Step slightly out of our comfort zone with brighter colours, stuff with no sleeves, less baggy clothing and try and wear a dress once and a while. 
3. Try and actually receive and believe compliments people give you!! If they don’t mean it – why would they say it? 
4. Make a personal Instagram for friends and people from school to follow you. Yes it’s scary, but try and post on it once and a while. And remember – it’s not guaranteed they’ll be horrible to you. 
5. Embrace how you look – with makeup and without. After a huge chinese takeout and in the morning after a banana smoothie. 
6. Shut out the negative, try and think positive about yourself. 

I think that’s roughly the ‘rules’ I made for myself to follow. From that day onwards, I followed them and still am. 

Now for the all important question….is it working? 

…..I’d say yes. 

Now, I’m not saying I’m ‘cured’. I still dislike myself, I still wish I could change a lot about myself physically and socially. However, I haven’t cried with hatred for myself for a long while, I’ve been trying to feel comfortable in front of the camera and not run away whenever someone gets their phone out for a group selfie or group picture and I’m mostly succeeding. I’ve been taking more pictures of myself, actually not hating them all for once. I’ve been letting myself believe the compliments I get from friends on pictures i post, and some from school acquaintances even! I’ve got a long way to go, but small improvement is still improvement. Self love levels have risen within yours truly 🙂

As for body confidence….I’ve worn quite a few dresses out and I wasn’t thinking about it 24/7! I relaxed and just got about my day, and on two instances I actually liked how I looked, so that’s a plus. 

So yeah! For once I set myself a challenge and I followed through it! And I’ll continue to do so, and maybe update you all? 

Before I go, I just wanted to leave you with a message.

YOU. ARE. SO. DARN. BEAUTIFUL.

We all need to start seeing that. We need to escape from all the body stereotypes, the unrealistic expectations and see that there’s no body ideal. There’s no specific way we should look, behave, talk like. We are all uniquely amazing, uniquely beautiful….that’s what counts. That’s beauty. The fact that there’s different types of it, the fact that it has millions and millions of definitions. And maybe this inspirational (hopefully anyway) ramble will have no effect, maybe it will, but I just hope as you finish reading this post and move on to whatever you’re going to do next, you’ll leave thinking about how fricking amazing you are, simply by being you. 

I do hope you enjoyed my third ever post on this blog. 🙂

If you don’t mind – leave me a comment answering this question:

What’s the two things you love most about yourself and why? It could be a feature, it could be something you do, your personality….absolutely anything. 

Have an awesome day everyone, I’ll see you when I post next!

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The Joy of Change, New Possibilities and Adventure || thebreakofdawn

You know what excites me?
Change. New possibilities. Adventure.
They all kinda link in a way, don’t you think? Here’s a little ramble about all three.

Change. From having your kitchen re-done to finishing secondary school and starting sixth form or college. It just makes me happy! You see, my life isn’t exciting or adventurous in the slightest, so small change makes me happy. Getting a new sofa, my laptop getting an update, starting a new school year and getting brand new school planner.
I mean, my phone’s contract is going to finish early July. It wasn’t really wise to upgrade and get a new phone (money ain’t the best with us right now) so my mum got me a new SIM, that’s coming next week. My mum’s amazing at negotiating, she managed to get me a SIM with 8GB data, unlimited calls and texts for £10 a month. And hers, with even more data, for £8 a month. Don’t ask me how she did it!
But anyway, that’s a new little change I’m excited for. Most kids my age wouldn’t be excited in the slightest. Actually, I’m sure they would be excited (who doesn’t love more data?) but they wouldn’t count it as a change. It would just be a new SIM.
I hope you understand you get what I mean? I always consider things being a change when others don’t see it that way. A new SIM is a new change because I have more data and I’m with a new network provider – a small change that I appreciate!
But of course, I consider certain things being big change just the same as everyone else.
Moving house, moving school, a new family coming into the world, starting a new job…All those are change that most people pay attention to.
You see, I don’t understand why I love change so much. I guess it gives me hope. Or I just like change in life because it proves that life keeps on going – it’s never the same.
I mean, how boring would it be if life was exactly the same every single day? No change at all, even the small change we all don’t notice. We’d notice it then alright.
But enough about change itself, let’s change the topic. (Hehe)
***
New possibilities. Gonna love them! We all wouldn’t get too far in life without them right? The possibility to go on a school trip, to travel the world, to go to a concert, to meet new people. All events that give us new experiences, to learn, to build new memories and to change (that word again!) as people, even if it’s only slight in some cases.
Without the possibility to do things, we’d all be doing nothing….right?
I personally love the possibility to do things. I long to do things. But it’s not that easy for me, I have something that stops me sometimes from seizing that possibility to do something new and fun and adventurous. And being unable to take advantage of new possibilities suck, if I’m honest. It makes me feel bored, useless, restless. Like I’m missing out on life experiences that everyone else is getting. Sad thing is, there’s nothing I can do about it! I have to make the choice to miss out because of something I can’t control, and that’s something that really affects me.
I know I’m lucky though.
At least I can do things. Not all possibilities are lost to me. I’m grateful for that. Remembering what I have and others don’t helps me through sometimes, and stops me from throughout myself a pity party and self wallowing in myself 24/7.
***
Last but not least, let’s chat about adventure.
I adore travelling. It makes my soul so happy. My mind full of joy and my heart beating with excitement.
Still get those travelling nerves though. The day that we’re leaving to go on a holiday, or just to travel somewhere, my heart races with nerves and my mind is flooded with panic. My soul is mad at the two for ruining the experience.
But as soon as we leave the house with our suitcases, on the way to somewhere special, those nerves and all the fear and worry in my mind disappear and turn back into joy and excitement and anticipation. My soul is happy again….we’re going on an adventure!
There’s just something about going somewhere new, unknown to me, to explore for a few days, a week or several that brings me so much pleasure and joy. Being on holiday, doesn’t matter if it’s abroad (fun fact: I’ve never been abroad!) or just another city or town or village or beach city in my country.
Being away from my home, my city to explore someone else’s and see their home in a new, thrilling light is amazing, you know?
I’m sure you’ve all travelled somewhere before. Where was the place you travelled to that gave you the most joy and pleasure while being there? If you’ve yet to travel, where do you really want to go and explore?
I’ve only been to places around the UK (London, Hastings, Devon and Liverpool). The UK is beautiful to be honest, it’s been lovely to explore the joys my country brings before exploring the joys of another.
I’d love to go to Brighton and Scotland. Wales too, I’ve already been but that was a school trip! It would be amazing to go with my family.
As for abroad, it would be legendary to go to Amsterdam. America too. Australia would be amazing. Oh and Germany too. And Hawaii!! How could I forget!
Hopefully one day I would have been to all of those places. Hopefully one day I would have been almost everywhere around the world.
Anything’s possible – a girl can dream!
***
Change, new possibilities and adventure.
The wonderful three that are all connected in their own way, and that all bring me so much happiness in life. And so, I wanted to dedicate a post to them all. 🙂
Thank you for reading this ramble of a post! I’m not 100% where I was going with this to be honest, I just started writing whatever popped into my head, and what I thought kinda worked? Hopefully it’s not too much of a mess, and hopefully it doesn’t read like the crazy thought process of a 15 year old teenager…..fingers crossed….
I hope you have a lovely day, and I’ll be back whenever with a new post.

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A Brand New Start || thebreakofdawn

It’s weird, writing the first post for a brand new blog. You always type something along the lines of “I have no idea what to say!”, which is honest. But this time, this post being the third time I’ve written a ‘welcome to my blog’ post...let’s just say I’m a little experienced. And thankfully, and oddly, I know exactly what to say this time.

I made this blog on Sunday 24th on a whim. Just randomly –  out of the blue. I mean, I was watching Bad Neighbours 2 when I decided to make this!

I’ve had a blog before, so it wasn’t a massive new thing to me, but it still felt like a big decision. Why? Because I loved the last blog I had, I had put so much into it, so when I decided to stop, it was difficult. The reason why I stopped wasn’t the best either. And, I didn’t do it in the best way. I just stopped posting one day and deleted it months after. So for the longest time I felt awful for disrespecting my followers, not telling them and just doing it.

But enough about the past.

Now, I’m starting again. A fresh start. A new beginning. A new dawn.

I’m going to go about this slightly different to my previous blogs. I’m just going to write about me. My life, the ups and downs, just everything that goes on. The purpose of this blog for me is to see how much I grow and change and evolve into a new person. I want to monitor myself, keep track of my thoughts and feelings all while sharing it with others. Because who knows? Maybe someone out there would relate with me.

Oh, and I’m going to be anonymous this time round. Just because I want that security. I might share my real name one day, but for now I’d prefer to not be known.

I’m also going to write about what I love in life. What makes me happy, what keeps me going every day. I’ll talk about mindfulness, my physical health (that alone deserves it’s own introductory post!), my mental health and veganism since I’m *gasp* vegan!

It’s not as crazy as most may think. It’s rather easy. Yes I have days where I slip up, but those days are very rare, and I enjoy being vegan wholeheartedly. And, just to clarify, I’m not a preachy vegan! In no way, shape or form. You do what you wanna do – I don’t have the right to stop anyone. It’s not for everyone and I more than understand that.

So, to end this post, I just wanted to say one last thing.

Life….life is hard.

Pretty freaking hard for teenagers, like myself, like for most of you reading (that’s if anyone is).

We all struggle, we all feel alone, we all feel tired, we all feel helpless. But that’s okay. And it’s more than okay to share that. But, I’ve only learnt that recently.

A lot of my life I’ve been told to keep things inside. To shut up. To not be so vocal with my struggles, with my pain. I’ve been criticised for it. Judged.

And man, it feels awful.

I shouldn’t have to shut up, to keep my hurt and pain inside just because it’s an ‘annoyance’ to others. You shouldn’t have to either. We all have a voice and we all have the right to use it.

That’s one of the reasons why I made this blog.

My life is difficult, I’m….hurting. I’ve been hurting for a long time. And I just wanted a safe place, a place where I won’t be judged, where I won’t be told off for sharing and speaking my mind, where I could just talk.

I feel like I’ve been so lost for so long, lost in the darkness, and I hope that this blog helps to break me out from that. That’s why I named it ‘The Break of Dawn’. Hopefully, this blog will be my break of dawn.

The sun has been set for far too long in my life – it’s about time I see some light. First post…complete. Man, this feels nerve wracking, but a different type of nerve wracking. It’s a combination of excitement and nerves I guess.

I just hope this blog does me good. I hope this blog does others some good some how.

And hi! I actually haven’t said that yet! Hello, and welcome to my blog. 🙂 

Thank you for reading, I’ll see you when I post next.